i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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