Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
