Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
