I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
