She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
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We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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