Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
