so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
