so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
