your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
