i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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