this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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