im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
