Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
