I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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