my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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