I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
