I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
