Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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