Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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