I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
