I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
