Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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