Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
