When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
