i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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