I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
