It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
