please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
