thus making me awesome and them whores
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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