dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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