Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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