i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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