Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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