sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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