dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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