You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Come on in and take your pants off
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