I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
