at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
