Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
