Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
