I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
