I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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