this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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