I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
