I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are the jesus of drinking
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
