A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"