She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
