my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
