Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
no, he came in my armpit
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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