Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The uberlube is also flammable
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
