Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
