you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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