Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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