I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
